Because some folks think “in first gear” it generally helps to put things into pretty pictures for them. In this vein, allow me to present an infographic of a rather popular and well-known song:
—
Source GraphJam.com
|
|||||
  |
Occasionally a pearler manages to break through the hordes of random emails. This would be one of them. Have a read and a chuckle: the lawnmower vs the electric fence. — We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all. Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my penis trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. —
Email. This handy digital manner of getting a message from one person to the next was supposed to make our lives easier and communication instant. Has it? Perhaps for a while this occurred (I believe it was a Thursday), but now it has become yet one more annoyance in our daily lives at the office. I have a number of reasons for whining about email. Granted, if you’re a regular reader of this site you may have noticed my tendency to whine about most things. That’s because, whilst I may officially by a mere 31 years of age, I find myself having become a cantankerous old fart. Kinda like your granddad. But younger. And less wrinkly. Inside the company Peeve 1.1: CCing the world on your verbal diarrhoea Now really folks. I’m flattered that you find me to be very important (how wrong are you?) and the associated need to include me on your chats to Bob from accounts about the stationery order. However, we have a problem. Well, you have a problem: I’m not interested. It disturbs the flow of my morning porn surfing. No really – if it’s not for me, I’m not interested. Peeve 1.2: Replying to all. Always Are you that person? If Bob sends a mass email to the entire company asking the owner of the blue VW to move the piece of kak before he wrecking-balls it feel free to reply to him and say “Sorry Bob. Yup, that’s me. I’ll move it ASAP.” Simple. On the other hand you might be that person who hits “Reply to all” and types the same. Well done. 100 people now have to read your back and forth light flirtation session instead of getting any actual work done. Peeve 1.3: Subject lines I could obviously just search every email I’ve ever received from you, but if you happen to be the same person mentioned in Peeve 1 I’m left with 84 gazillion results, including the parking spot conundrum, your Auntie’s illness and the associated requests for keeping her in my thoughts and your missing poster about Fifi’s recent mad dash for freedom and applicable unfortunate ending, this might take a while. Now if you’ve been paying attention you’ll remember that I am apparently important. This in turn means that I don’t have the time to read through 83.999999 gazillion emails looking for the relevant one. Peeve 1.4: emailing from right next to me If however we work in the very same office, that’s just lazy. Arise, oh lazy one, and walk the 8 steps to my desk. Ask your question. Then return to your desk. End of story. Outside the company Peeve 2.1: Spam Peeve 2.2 Dodgy smut – subject line labelling Spammers are not as thick as we like to imagine them to be. They tend to be rather creative lately in their attempts to get you to read their emails and therefore seem to have mastered the art of the subject line. This ties back to Peeve 2.1 in that Spam filters are now stricter. My actual work-related email to a company goes into the bin with all the bits and bobs about winning the lottery you never entered and Nigerian 419 scams, while a deceptively labelled email claiming to be from accounts, but actually inviting you to view some dodgy Scandinavian fetish porn, ends up in your inbox. It’s all getting way too complicated. Let’s just hit the computer with a hammer and go on holiday. Nope, can’t do that – there’s more: Peeve 2.3: “Forward this and get cool free stuff” emails NOBODY, AND THAT INCLUDES BILL GATES, BLACKBERRY AND A MILLION OTHER PLACES/PEOPLE/COMPANIES ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU ANY FREE SHIT JUST FOR FORWARDING AN EMAIL TO SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS (soon-to-be ex-friends if you send them enough of this kak). STOP BEING DOF, STOP SENDING THIS JUNK AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES. General Instant messaging is instant. Email? Not so much. Peeve 3.2: Using text-speak when emailing This about sums it up perfectly: I rly fel sry 4 tdys uth. Iv spnt cntlss hrs on hr rding tngrs psts. Evry 1 of dem splz bdly. We iz doomd. Apparently this translates as: I really feel sorry for today’s youth. I’ve spent countless hours on here reading teenager’s post. Every one of them spells badly. We are doomed. Really? I had no f’ing idea what was being said. Type properly or get thrashed – your choice pal. And… I’m done. Whew. — I swear I never tire of the genius Heineken adverts. In fact, I never tire of the ads for most of the beer companies in general. And it isn’t just down to my rather impressive fondness for the stuff, but rather that a number of the companies actually take the time to make decent advertisements. The same can obviously NOT be said for many other companies out there -- have you ever been forced to sit through the horror that is a health yoghurt commercial?
Well done. No-one cares. Or my personal favourite: shampoo commercials. I swear these folks make ingredients up as they go along…
Of course no whine about crappy (LOL -- wait for it…) advertising would be complete without at least a passing mention of certain cereals packed full of bran..
Which brings me back, in an extremely roundabout fashion, to the point of this post -- yet another rather amusing beer advert -- Heineken’s “Men with Talent” ad. Take a look: Legend. Pure legend. 20 points. Thanks Phillip. — Other beer ads:
Other beer-related stuff: Mmmmm beer…
Ari Gold… is a legend! If you’ve watched Entourage you will be more than familiar with the master talent agent to beat all talent agents. This guy has a seriously foul mouth, and yet… everything he says is quite frankly hilarious. If you have never seen the show you’re probably going to get all offended and your knickers in a knot. If so, you may wanna move it along. For everyone else, read on to relive some of Ari’s finer moments in the show. Without further ado allow me to present 14 of Ari Gold’s quotes taken from episodes of the awesome and highly entertaining series Entourage. Continue reading Ari Gold Quotes… You lot have surely seen this ad by now, right? You know, the one with the Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG racing through the tunnel, giving it the whole loop de loop bit? If not, I got your back. Check it: How AWESOME is that chorrie? If still somewhat undecided… here’s a little more to get you stockpiling lottery tickets: Starting price? R 2 425 000. Bargain! Yes please! —
A quick Google search for the top 10 most viewed Youtube videos of all time (as you do) revealed this pearler: the evolution of dance by Judson Laipply. Apparently I’ve been living in a cave -- this video was posted in April 2006 and is now the third most watched video of all time on Youtube, with (at the time of writing) 147,416,530 views -- one of which was me. Finally. Coz I’m a little slow. According to Judson’s website, mightaswelldance.com, this video has caused him to do rather well for himself. Here’s a snippet:
You need to see this (unless you’re one of the 147,416,529 people who already have). Watch the evolution of dance from the early 50s to the late 00s, all crammed into six minutes.
Legend! 20 points! So ummm… yeah… it’s a Victoria’s Secret ad starring Miranda Kerr. And ummm… are you even reading this?
|
      |
|||
|
Copyright © 2010 Stu's take on… - All Rights Reserved - Sitemap |
|||||
