So what have I learnt after 6 or 7 weeks using Twitter? Quite a lot actually. Some good, some bad, some downright daft.
First thing I’m sure you ALL noticed: everyone’s an internet marketer. And I mean EVERYONE. “I activated Google Adsense, therefore I’m a marketer”. Well done. Go away.
Secondly, half of Twitter wants to convince the other half to click their link to find the “Easiest way to add 74 gazillion followers in 1 nanosecond!” There are even sites that automatically let you follow folks who have some arbitrary keyword in their updates. “I have no idea who you are, and haven’t even had a chance to check out your Twitter page to find out if I’d like to learn who you are, but let’s click this and I’ll follow you and everybody else you’ve ever met instantly”. Please feel free to follow me if you like my updates – the more the merrier… however, Dear automated robot: Go away, or it’s the size 13 spanner for you buddy.
Many folks I know try Twitter out for a few days and then decide it’s a load of bollocks. They were probably bombarded by my favourite folks that call themselves the internet marketer brigade (and lovingly discussed above). I nearly fell prey to the same problem, until…
1. I started following a few really funny folks,
2. Followed some work associates who tend to skive off as much as I do and we pass the time by updating Twitter,
3. Found a bunch of others who post links to really cool sites, which once again leads to even more skiving off work (I so hope my boss doesn’t read my blog… If she does, can I have a raise?)
In addition to the above-mentioned folks, sooner or later you’re going to meet a few of the following on Twitter:
1. The uber-goddess. She (or he, whatever) is so far beyond fine (and so far out of your league) it hurts, so you follow them, coz now we’re BFFs, right? Wrong. They will not follow you back. Sorry for you. Back to your dreary celibate existence for you pal.
2. The big-time celebrity. As above, you’ll follow them because you WANT to be BFFs (I’ve so got to stop saying BFFs…) and they’ll follow you back and you’ll all chat daily and everything will be lovely. You include their Twitter name in every update you post so they’ll mention you in their stream and all 1 674 599 of their followers will want your body. FAIL. They didn’t follow you back, and probably don’t search their own name, so they didn’t even see your message to them. Why, Megan Fox, why won’t you reply to me?!?! cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
3. The porn star. They’re hot and do lots of people (except, of course, you). You can’t operate a high-end camera, so it ain’t gonna happen. And no, your single clip you posted on Youtube of your buddy falling over doesn’t cut it. Although their posts of what they’re about to get up to are pretty cool… Anyway, go away.
4. The Navel-gazer. Their stream of tweets pretty much covers their whole life: “good morning all”, “mmm good coffee”, “Cheerios for breakfast”, “going to work now”… I think you get the picture. These people may seem interesting at first, but beware. As soon as you get sucked into their daily lives you’ll soon find yourself asking them fascinating queries like “how was your sandwich”. Now hold on just a second here folks: I live in South Africa, you live in Norway. We’ve never met. We’re never going to meet. You told me about your packed lunch. I cared about your packed lunch. Do you see where I’m going with this? You’ll end up wanting to brain yourself with your keyboard. Go away.
5. The Retweeter. Never had an original thought in their lives, so they just retweet everyone else’s updates. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes to retweeting. Some of the funniest and most interesting links have come through as retweets from some random clown in Outer Mongolia who first read it from some other clown he follows from… the Moon for all I know. Just mix it up a bit, will ya? Take me for instance: I shamelessly punt my blog in between retweeting other folk’s hard work. Nothing wrong there, I’m sure. And feel free to retweet this post’s link… hint hint.
6. The shameless blog punter. Me, so we’re not gonna go there. cough cough stustake.com cough cough
7. The bleeding heart. Switch off your bloody PC then – that’ll cut out a nice fat chunk of your oversized clown-shoe-wearing carbon footprint. I truly do sympathise with your cause, but seriously? EVERY 5 minutes? Lighten up buddy!
and finally…
8. The News Site. Being informed = good. Every single thing that happens written in CAPITAL LETTERS **NEWSFLASH** BREAKING NEWS** and being regarded as a major breaking story = not so good. Flash floods in a major city = breaking news. Some junior MP in Bolivia gets a traffic ticket = not so much. Go away with your Breaking this and Breaking that, or I’ll be breaking something else.
Believe me, Twitter is an awesome way to kill some time. Whenever you get bored of it you can guarantee you’ll check just one last time, and will get sucked straight back into it. The next thing you know, it’s dark, your bath has overflowed and you’ve just missed two days of work. But you know that Helga had a nice sandwich for lunch, so who cares, right?
Now go away.
