Don’t y’all just love spam? No?
Fair enough. Whilst it is obviously extremely annoying to have an inbox crammed full of rubbish offering you all sorts of crap you don’t need or want when you’re looking to find an eagerly-awaited career-saving email from someone with the power to sign your cheques, it can be highly entertaining to actually take the time to read some of this drivel. Provided of course you have that kind of time on your hands. Oh, and aren’t thick enough to actually open the message attachment entitled “You is winned the UK Lotary.doc”.
Of course virtually all of it is just plain annoying, for example the multitudes of “Click forward to see what happens” rubbish. Dear Brain Surgeon: here’s what will happen – abso-f*cking-lutely NOTHING!
Are we clear? Yup, that’s right. When you click forward to send it to all 84 million of your online friends while pretending to be hard at work for your boss, nothing is going to happen. Well, one thing might – one of your heroic offended cronies might get in his car, drive over to your house, and do us all the favour of kicking you in the head (to rapturous applause from the rest of us, naturally).
Remember this Facebook one with the mutt?
For a few months everyone had this posted on their wall. Thank goodness that went away.
Obviously the email geniuses weren’t far behind – next we got the “Forward this email to the entire human species and Bill Gates (obviously him personally, not some junior lackey at Microsoft) will track it as some sort of dodgy experiment and send you $4321.38 next week Thursday. Because he has nothing better to do. You are a tool. Stop being a tool.
The latest spam craze appears to be three items:
1. Generally starts with a headline along the lines of: “Do you wish it was bigger?” Mmmkay. Sure buddy, I’m going to buy a crate-load of your unregulated fake pills made in your uncle’s garage in a frying pan from your plot in the Phillipines, all in the hopeful belief that:
(i) my johnson will grow to 2 feet long;
(ii) I will not in fact grow another arm out of the middle of my rib cage; and
(iii) you will not in fact be selling me aspirin at $20 a shot, provided I ever actually receive a parcel from you.
You are a tool. See above.
2. More a continuation of item 1. Buy all sorts of other medications from “Cheap discount Canadian Pharmacy”. The same argument as above applies, except this time they claim the plot has moved from the Phillipines to the backwoods of Canada. That doesn’t make items (i), (ii) and (iii) above non-applicable. And you’re still a tool. See above.
3. “Lose weight with Acai Berry”. Ummm… no. Lose weight by getting your ass down to the gym, buddy. And all because Oprah once tasted one on an episode of her show. She was even forced to send out a Twitter message recently stating that she does NOT endorse all these Acai Berry merchants claiming “as recommended by Oprah”, or words to that effect. What the hell is an Acai Berry anyway? No wait… I don’t care. Did I mention the bit about a certain someone being a bit of a tool?
I can honestly see why these clowns go to the trouble. Seeing as virually every site I’ve ever made the mistake of signing up to was thoughtful enough to sell my email address to every possible incarnation of “Honest Bob’s Reliable Mail Order Stuff Inc.” there’s no shortage of potential customers. Thanks mate. You too are a tool. See above. If they send out a single email to 1 million people, and just one person replies and buys their “Supersize My Johnson Pills (Patent Pending)” they make money. That’s 0.0001%. 10 points for (unscrupulous) ingenuity; minus 100 points for clogging up my inbox and their inherent toolness.
I’m not even going to comment on the ones where you send them money to ensure the smooth transfer of $75zillion you need to babysit for some expired dictator’s auntie, of which you’ll naturally receive 25%. Naturally.
Gotta go now – I’ve just received an email that demands I forward the enclosed message to all my email contacts in the next 3 seconds or tomorrow at dawn I’ll be violated by a three-legged Slovakian Mountain Goat. This might just be the real deal!
[...] Stu’s take on… Spam [...]