Are you f@cking kidding me? Where the Hell do all of these people come from?
I’m lucky enough to get the honour of travelling from Pretoria to Joburg and back again daily. Awesome! It usually takes me approximately… 8,5 days to get anywhere. This is due partly to the fact that apparently the entire country had the same idea.
All our maps are wrong. There is no way that there can be be anyone left to populate the 3 Capes, KZN, or the Free State (except of course Frikkie the mielie boer). I intentionally left out North West and Limpopo as they’re not real provinces anyway, just really really big game reserves.
It turns out that everyone who qualifies for a South African ID document (and a few who don’t, but they have R50, so they do now) lives in Pretoria and works in Joburg. Left the house today at 6:30 and arrived at 8:15. The worst part is I consider that to not be too bad.
Maths Lesson: The time taken, divided by the distance driven = an average speed of… 1,7 snails.
That’s right. Rush hour traffic average speeds will no longer be measured in kilometres per hour, but rather in snails. Snails are not exactly known for high-tailing it on the best of days, and apparently neither is my car down the N1 past Allandale Road, so it works. I call this formula the “Get the F’ off the roads, dumbasses”.
I can still kinda come to terms with the whole rush hour thing (begrudgingly), but lately if you attempt any major Gauteng road at any time of the day you can guarantee it’ll be slower than Paris Hilton completing a crossword puzzle. I ask (actually, I implore) you again: where do all these people come from? And secondly, don’t they have jobs to go to?
This is the part where you whine about massive unemployment and the global recession and blah blah blah. But these folks are all in Audis and Beemers, so they’re doing quite fine thank you very much. Clearly they’re not in their offices bolstering the economy, which causes me to conclude: they’re must all be crack dealers. Maths Lesson No. 2: Fancy-ass car + not being in office = dodgy crack dealer.
Cops! Forget Hillbrow. Rather raid the N1 around the New Road offramp at noon on a Tuesday. You’ll fill your vans with dodgy no-gooders.
