Dear Neighbour
I can appreciate that fact that you like music and wish to listen to it as and when the urge takes you. We all like music. We all listen to music. But seriously: Dance remixes of Westlife? On a daily basis? At maximum volume?
I grew up in a little dorpie near Pretoria, so believe me, I’m used to shite music. Many times I have been forced to listen to the collected works of the latest pillock who recently figured out how to create a beat track at 300BPM and occasionally yodel into a microphone. Or those two clowns crooning about a “Rooi Rok Bokkie”.
And as for cheesy Eurotrash dance versions of whatever happens to be the latest song on the top 10, well yes, I’ve heard them all… and come to the conclusion that they must be stopped at all costs.
So we’ve established that I am not a fan of dance remixes. Anyone who has ever met me before is completely aware of my lack of fondness for boybands too. Which is why I feel that everyone from New Kids On The Block deserve solid thrashings for being one of the first. I hold them personally responsible for this crime against humanity and therefore wish them not so much grevious bodily harm, but would rather force them to listen to cheesy dance versions of their own already horrid music with no respite. For all eternity. That’ll teach ‘em.
Which brings us back to Westlife. They are a boyband. And are therefore evil. But I’ll let that slide as I probably have to (begrudgingly) admit that they can probably sing fairly well, and they leave me alone. So I’ll leave them alone. And everyone will go about their daily business. Happy days!
Until… You came along. My dear trusty neighbour. You found a version of boyband music that has been combined with that most terrible of all things: the cheesy dance remix and some guest vocalist who couldn’t make it on their own in the music biz. And who thought we’d like to hear them croon about Mandy at 250 beats per minute. Now you feel the need to force me to listen to it blaring EVERY SINGLE DAY.
You must therefore be challenging me to a duel… I’m convinced of it. (For those not from South Africa, Pretoria is the kind of city where EVERYTHING is a challenge. Just try walking around and saying to someone: “isit boet”. Yes it is, and yes it’ll hurt. Boet.)
So I therefore accept your challenge and will be there this evening to feed you your awful CDs one by one.
Consider yourself told off.
Sincerely
Your friendly neighbour
Stu
