Nursery rhymes piss me off. First up: That salmonella-spreading scrambled-ass mofo who can’t sit upright on a wall for three seconds without having a spectacular wipeout FAIL: Humpty Dumpty.
In the words of Run DMC (or Jason Nevins – can never remember who said what in that b-grade 90s treffer)… It goes a little something like this:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
So where do we begin with this one? Firstly: overall. It has always been known that Humpty Dumpty is an egg. Where exactly in the rhyme does it mention that he is in fact an egg? Nowhere, that’s where. So why the hell is he always portrayed as an egg? Who had far too many crack sandwiches for lunch and postulated that one? “Some dude chilling out on a wall. I know – I’ll bet he’s an egg!” Riiiiiight, no more brannas & Coke for this doos.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Okay, let’s assume that he is actually an egg. Why the f@ck was an egg sitting on a wall in the first place? FAIL farming 101: leaving eggs on the wall. Of course the rotund f@ck had a great fall – no egg cup. Duh!
All the king’s horses…
No thumbs! Did nobody notice that horses do NOT have thumbs? How the frickety frick frick is an overpaid donkey supposed to put an EGG back together with big-ass hooves? “Whinny! Neigh! I got this piece!” STOMP! “My bad. Ooohhh that’s gonna leave a mark. Here, lemme try this piece over here.” STOMP! “Oh for f@ck sakes. Bollocks to it all. I’m off to schnack on some grass and ghoen that fine-looking filly over there in the meadow. You know, the one with the tramp-brand on her side and the slapper eyes”. Gallop gallop gallop…
And all the king’s men…
So this is medieval England / Europe / Somewhere Uppity in the age of swords, axes and assorted other stabby things, and the king’s ENTIRE army has nothing better to do than piece together a single egg. Seriously? Plus, how exactly would an entire army gather around one single egg to solve this mess? “Hey Bob, ummm… yeah, you seem to be on the case, so ummm… myself, Harold, Frik and the rest of the 4 000 lads will ummm… stand guard I guess. Carry on, as you were and all that. Oh, and watch out for that clumsy-ass horse stomping around all over the place.”
“Aaaahhhhh!!! The Barbarians are invading!”
“Sorry boet, can’t help you – we’re all busy fixing an egg.”
“Aaaahhhhh!!! The Mongol hordes have broken through our defences!”
“Unlucky cuzzin, we’re still working here. Try pelting them with eggshells. Just not these ones, mmmkay?”
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
Well then, not much use, are you lot? An entire kingdom defeated by an egg. Well done lads! Good luck defending your empire from an angry, and mildly ambitious, rasher of bacon.
FAIL.
Who writes this kak anyway?
You do know that you will be singing a lot of Nursery rhymes