Ari Gold… is a legend! If you’ve watched Entourage you will be more than familiar with the master talent agent to beat all talent agents. This guy has a seriously foul mouth, and yet… everything he says is quite frankly hilarious.
If you have never seen the show you’re probably going to get all offended and your knickers in a knot. If so, you may wanna move it along. For everyone else, read on to relive some of Ari’s finer moments in the show.
Without further ado allow me to present 14 of Ari Gold’s quotes taken from episodes of the awesome and highly entertaining series Entourage.
Lizzy: You got the [NFL] meeting? Shit that’s impressive.
Ari: Yeah, I’d blow myself if I was more flexible.
Ari: Keep your eyes on Andrew Kline.
Lloyd: Keep my eyes on him how?
Ari: Pretend he’s Zac Efron’s Ballsack.
Ari (shouting trough the corridors of Terrence’s offices): Now Lloyd, maybe you’re not here, maybe you are. Either way, you have nothing to fear because I’m not gonna kill you. I love you. You see even though you betrayed me you are the best slave that I ever had. I mean, who could possibly replace the way that you picked up my dry cleaning? No one. Who could better the way you picked up my dog’s shit?
And if I liked short fat men sucking on my dick I’m sure that no one could do it better than you either. So, return to the king or exile yourself from this town forever. You have until the end of the day tomorrow to agree to be rebranded MINE!
Ari: I didn’t go to the Lakers game because they were playing the fucking Bobcats… And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate, how to answer a question without a question, basic Humanity 101, which I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix, or if you couldn’t, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me? I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we’re clear, I don’t care about ANY OF THEM. They’re ALL just a number, like Wife #1 and Therapist #7… GOOD DAY!
Ari: Die, die, die Lloyd! And when you’re gagging on Davies’ balls I want you to bite down, so he can die too!
Lloyd: What’s wrong?
Ari: Has so much cum squirt in those eyes you can’t see what’s right in front of your face? Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I’m fucked. Which means we’re all fucked. And we’re fucked in the way you like to get fucked, not fucked in the way normal people like to get fucked.
Ari: People, staff meeting has been cancelled. You all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase’s brother, Johnny Chase, a job. Any job! I don’t care if it’s a porn shoot in which he is being gang raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. 10 grand for anyone that can deliver this to me, today.
Mrs. Ari (doesn’t want Ari to pick up his phone during couples therapy): I ask for one hour of a day for his undivided attention, and I can’t even have that.
Ari: You could have it if you want to live in Agoura fucking Hills, and go to group therapy. But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership, and you want 9 weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, than I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking wednesday.
(Vince’s new movie is pushed 12 weeks)
E: What are we supposed to do for 12 weeks?
Ari: Enjoy life, what else. And snap some below the belt photos of that partner of yours and send them over here. I’m bored…
E: You wish! Later.
Ari: Later.
Mrs. Ari (still half asleep): You’re bored?
Ari: It was a joke baby, you know I’m never bored here. Now give me something.
Mrs. Ari: What time is it?
Ari: I don’t know. My cock doesn’t wear a watch…
Ari: What I’m capable of doing and what you’re capable of doing are two totally different things.
E: So what would you do?
Ari: I would make a scene of biblical proportions. I would lie, scream, beg, borrow and steal. If that somehow didn’t part Amy Miller’s legs then I would call racism and I would yell for all to hear: “you’re really gonna fire my poor black client off the show he CREATED? I’m callin the NAACP, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and the ghost of my man – MALCOM X!”
E: Awesome. Guess I’m gonna try my own thing.
Mrs. Ari (talking about the soap opera she was asked to play in): Tell me that it’s exciting, and that if I did it I would be good.
Ari: It’s a soap opera baby… there is no good, there’s just degrees of bad.
Mrs. Ari: Well, then tell me that I would be pretty. As pretty as the day I left the show.
Ari: Well you left the show when you were 25 and now they shoot everything in hi-def.
(Ari is about to leave his kid’s birthday party for business) Mrs. Ari: Where are you going?
Ari: They flew in the liver, and I gotta do the transplant. Where do you think I’m going?
Ari: Fuck the phones Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency tittie fuck, DON’T ANSWER!
Ari: Speak or I will intern you like it’s 1942.
Lloyd: I’m not Japanese, Ari.
Ari: SPEAK!
Ari (to Vince): I have him caddying today. Building his self esteem. (To Lloyd): Go stand in the corner.
