Yeah okay, this one seems to be getting flagged due to a couple of choice words in the text. So I’m gonna remove it from the front page and add a ‘jump’ link at the start of the article-proper for those who wanna ‘ave a read.
Rather amusing, in an offensive kinda way. Because offensive is funny (kinda like this quick spot of side-tracking to bring you another Failbook pearler before we continue:)
But I digress. On with the contract:
Paragraph 1. Section A. Act 1. No sleeping over – unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning. No meeting in public except for drinks before the events of the evening. No calls after 21h30 – we don’t have anything to talk about. None of that lovemaking nonsense – only sex allowed. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?, where do I stand with you?). No plans made in advance – that is why you are called a “Backup” All gifts accepted – money is always good. No baby talk – however dirty talk is encouraged.
Paragraph 2. Section B. Act 2. No asking for comparison with former lovers or current lovers – it’s really none of your damn business.
Paragraph 3. Section C. Act 3. No calling each other “friends with privileges” we are not friends, just sex buddies.
Paragraph 4. Section D. Act 4. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK – don’t be offended. I don’t love you anyway.
Paragraph 5. Section E. Act 5. No extra clothing – I don’t want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
Paragraph 6. Section F. Act 6. No falling asleep right after sex – it’s OVER, so get your ass up and go home. And no “come sleep at my house because my parents are not home.”
Paragraph 7. Section G. Act 7. Don’t be offended if I don’t ask if you enjoyed the sex – “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN”
Paragraph 8. Section H. Act 8. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be “We are cousins”
Paragraph 9. Section I. Act 9. Doggie style is the preferred position
- Paragraph 9. Section I. Act 1.1 – the reason is LESS EYE CONTACT!
- Paragraph 9. Section I. Act 1.2 – No condoms, no action
- Paragraph 9. Section I. Act 13 – No telling people we are lovers – it reduces my chances of replacing you.
NB: Failure to abide by any of the above mentioned rules will results in me suing you for character assassination, Crimen Injuria, Deformation of character, and sexual harassment and believe Me, I WILL SUE YOU.
Dude
SIGNED AT _________________________ DATED _________________________
INITIALS & SURNAME ________________ SIGNATURE_________________________
Chick
SIGNED AT _________________________ DATED _________________________
INITIALS & SURNAME ________________ SIGNATURE_________________________
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Thanks Jerry. (Do you really want to take credit for this one?)
