Stu's take on…

Email. This handy digital manner of getting a message from one person to the next was supposed to make our lives easier and communication instant. Has it? Perhaps for a while this occurred (I believe it was a Thursday), but now it has become yet one more annoyance in our daily lives at the office.

I have a number of reasons for whining about email. Granted, if you’re a regular reader of this site you may have noticed my tendency to whine about most things. That’s because, whilst I may officially by a mere 31 years of age, I find myself having become a cantankerous old fart. Kinda like your granddad. But younger. And less wrinkly.

Inside the company

Peeve 1.1: CCing the world on your verbal diarrhoea
Lately I find that my work email address pushes around 50 to 100 emails my way over the course of a regular working day.

Now really folks. I’m flattered that you find me to be very important (how wrong are you?) and the associated need to include me on your chats to Bob from accounts about the stationery order. However, we have a problem. Well, you have a problem: I’m not interested. It disturbs the flow of my morning porn surfing. No really – if it’s not for me, I’m not interested.

Peeve 1.2: Replying to all. Always
This kind of ties in to Peeve 1.1 above, although not always. Therefore it gets a whole new number assigned to it. Just for clarity. There IS a system. But moving swiftly along:

Are you that person? If Bob sends a mass email to the entire company asking the owner of the blue VW to move the piece of kak before he wrecking-balls it feel free to reply to him and say “Sorry Bob. Yup, that’s me. I’ll move it ASAP.” Simple.

On the other hand you might be that person who hits “Reply to all” and types the same. Well done. 100 people now have to read your back and forth light flirtation session instead of getting any actual work done.

Peeve 1.3: Subject lines
Or rather, the lack of one. If you read the above paragraph (assuming of course you weren’t too busy CCing the entire company into your chat with Sannie at reception about your company parking spot) you’ll have noticed that we all get a lot of email. Occasionally I need to actually search for one in 6 months’ time to check on something. If you never bothered to type a relevant subject line I haven’t a snowball’s chance in Hell of finding it. Ever.

I could obviously just search every email I’ve ever received from you, but if you happen to be the same person mentioned in Peeve 1 I’m left with 84 gazillion results, including the parking spot conundrum, your Auntie’s illness and the associated requests for keeping her in my thoughts and your missing poster about Fifi’s recent mad dash for freedom and applicable unfortunate ending, this might take a while.

Now if you’ve been paying attention you’ll remember that I am apparently important. This in turn means that I don’t have the time to read through 83.999999 gazillion emails looking for the relevant one.

Peeve 1.4: emailing from right next to me
If we work in a 50-storey building feel free to drop me an email with your query about where the file labelled “Bob’s insurance claim that he’s not going to cent for” may be located. It’s all good.

If however we work in the very same office, that’s just lazy. Arise, oh lazy one, and walk the 8 steps to my desk. Ask your question. Then return to your desk. End of story.

Outside the company

Peeve 2.1: Spam
Here’s one I’m sure everyone can relate to. Spam used to be a minor annoyance. Now it actually causes problems due to spam filters having to be so intensive that genuine stuff tends to get thrown into the Spam bin too. This in turn means I have to be careful when emailing someone I’ve never sent an email to before (and am therefore not on his ‘safe senders list’) when writing the subject line (see Peeve 1.2 above) so as not to be deemed spammy and relegated to the Spam bin for all eternity.

Peeve 2.2 Dodgy smut – subject line labelling
And we’re back to the whole subject line whine, but this time from a different angle.

Spammers are not as thick as we like to imagine them to be. They tend to be rather creative lately in their attempts to get you to read their emails and therefore seem to have mastered the art of the subject line. This ties back to Peeve 2.1 in that Spam filters are now stricter. My actual work-related email to a company goes into the bin with all the bits and bobs about winning the lottery you never entered and Nigerian 419 scams, while a deceptively labelled email claiming to be from accounts, but actually inviting you to view some dodgy Scandinavian fetish porn, ends up in your inbox.

It’s all getting way too complicated. Let’s just hit the computer with a hammer and go on holiday.

Nope, can’t do that – there’s more:

Peeve 2.3: “Forward this and get cool free stuff” emails
This one destroys yet another piece of my soul each and every time it happens. It’s been going on for years now and folks still don’t seem to get it, so let’s clear this up once and for all. And now I’m cranky, so it’s time to haul out the big guns: Caps Lock. Computer geeks claim it means you’re shouting and mean business. Whatever. Don’t care. But let’s humour the pale LAN-gaming virgins this one time:

NOBODY, AND THAT INCLUDES BILL GATES, BLACKBERRY AND A MILLION OTHER PLACES/PEOPLE/COMPANIES ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU ANY FREE SHIT JUST FOR FORWARDING AN EMAIL TO SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS (soon-to-be ex-friends if you send them enough of this kak). STOP BEING DOF, STOP SENDING THIS JUNK AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES.

General

Peeve 3.1: Email being assumed to be instant
Yes, it gets sent instantly, not read instantly. There’s a difference. Give me a few minutes, mmmkay?

Instant messaging is instant. Email? Not so much.

Peeve 3.2: Using text-speak when emailing
Email has an unlimited number of characters, so why on God’s green earth does anyone feel the need to type in text-speak? This is of course solely a youth problem – old fogeys like me (hack cough wheeze 31 hack cough wheeze) wouldn’t know where to start. In fact, I had to copy the following example from a blog.

This about sums it up perfectly: I rly fel sry 4 tdys uth. Iv spnt cntlss hrs on hr rding tngrs psts. Evry 1 of dem splz bdly. We iz doomd.

Apparently this translates as: I really feel sorry for today’s youth. I’ve spent countless hours on here reading teenager’s post. Every one of them spells badly. We are doomed.

Really? I had no f’ing idea what was being said.

Type properly or get thrashed – your choice pal.

And… I’m done.

Whew.

—
Of course you lot are still more than welcome to email me – stu@stustake.com. Let’s hear it!

Dear Bafana Bafana

Thrash the French today.

Regards
Stu

So it appears that many of the main blogs out there have one thing in common – video podcasts. Well, American blogs anyway, not so much with the local South African ones – probably something to do with decent broadband being a relatively recent development.

This leaves me wondering whether or not I should give it a bash. Not too regularly mind you, but perhaps a weekly/monthly update or event-specific stuff or something along those lines.

Two immediate problems spring to mind:

1. I don’t own a video camera. This may prove to be a rather major stumbling block what with the whole ‘video’ part. Best I get shopping then – there seem to be some reasonably-priced cheapies out there. This ain’t M-Net HD folks, so a cheap and cheerful should do the trick. Besides, do you really want to see me in full 1080p High Definition? I’m guessing not. Well, your sister does, but you’re not really supposed to know about that…

2. I am most definitely the worst person to be on camera on this whole entire Earth. I have been filmed twice; well, twice intentionally – having worked in TV production for the last four-and-a-bit years I seem to have mastered the art of ALWAYS being in the way of the cameraman. Some of our editors appear to have simply given up trying to remove me from the scenes. Probably a good thing too This world needs to bear witness to my splendour and Adonislike physique (or bald spot and jiggly belly – back chicks! Back I say!).

Anyway, as I was saying: I’ve been interviewed twice before on camera, and both times I have to admit I was the most boring candidate in history. Need a lesson in speaking in a droll monotone? I’m your man. Need to see just how easy it is to make a cameraman snore and a sound guy start staring off into the distance? I’m on it.

Other than the above two minor irritations, I think this is a marvellous (I gotta stop saying ‘marvellous’) idea.

So…. watch this space.

Or not.

Whatever.

And the Oscar goes to…

Just got sent a YouTube clip via the usual viral-email route. No, not emails with viruses (like you, with a virus… so exactly like you ), rather emails that get constantly sent on and on and on (chain letters ringing any bells?). This one has done rather well for itself, with nearly 14 million views so far. So roughly as many views as there are devoted fans of Stu’s take on…, right?

A couple of things in the email, quoted below, are a bit off:

“A palindrome”
—————-

A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.

This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen…forward and backward.

This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was titled “u @ 50″ by AARP. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant.

Take a minute and watch it.

Firstly, this video was made by someone named Jonathan (YouTube username metroamv), who lists himself as a 29-year-old film student, and not a 20-year-old as the email states. People ALWAYS change the age to far younger in these things because then the person is presumably in some way ‘gifted’. They’re not gifted -- I’m gifted. (Just so you know.)

Jonathan then goes on to mention that if he was a tree he would be a ‘fir’. Well ummm, thanks for clearing that up for us Jonno-Boy. Was just busy wondering what sort of tree you’d be if you had a choice. Granted he is a film student, so that last detail probably has a fair bit to do with copious quantities of drugs being ingested like Smarties.

Secondly, the email already explains the following, and yet still calls it a palindrome:

A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.

So I guess one could call this a ‘FAIL palindrome’. A ‘FAILindrome’ if you will.

Whatever the I-are-well-smart official thesaurus-esque word is for this (any ideas? anyone?), it’s pretty good anyway.

No seriously, I want to know what you call this. Lemme know, either via the Comments section below or by emailing me: stu@stustake.com. Holla!

Finally, the one detail that fails to get mentioned is that, again by Jonathan’s own admission, it placed second in the contest. Nothing wrong with that; in fact allow me to say: Good on ya pal! I just find it apt that that minor detail was not included in all the bits about standing ovations and spontaneous applause.

But I digress; take a look:

Huh? Not too shabby.

I was feeling all creative and inspired after watching this, so I made a palindrome too. Feel free to add it general everyday conversation, a la “Bootylicious” and “Muggle”. ‘ave a read:

Stu! Awesome Stu!

Pretty frikking impressive, no?

No?

No.

Winter is kak.

If I wanted to freeze random spherical extremities off on a daily basis I would move to Iceland somewhere really cold that does not have cranky volcanoes spewing ash every 4,5 seconds and bringing Europe to a panicky standstill.

This is Africa. When you think of Africa you expect hot days, clear sunny skies and lions gnawing on your Achilles tendon as you make your way down the street to buy supplies for a day on safari.

This is a fallacy – the last few days have been kak cold, the skies have been overcast and I personally haven’t seen a lion roaming the streets for approximately forever (give or take a few days).

The problem is that we here in South Africa still believe that all of Africa is supposed to be hot and sunny all of the time, so our houses are built in a way that offers no protection whatsoever from the winter cold – no fireplace, no double-glazing (all the better to hear the thieves stealing your car radio) and no central heating.

Yesterday, sitting in my lounge wrapped in more warm gear than most K2 expedition climbers have ever owned, I had a glance at some New Years Eve party photos posted on Facebook by friends of mine living in Canada, and guess what: they were all running around in shorts and t-shirts. At night. In Canada. In the middle of winter.

Now Canada is NOT a place that’s scared of getting brass-monkeys cold, but the difference is that Canadians have accepted the fact that they live on what is basically an overpaid glacier. Therefore their houses are warm. They all own ski-jackets. They have central heating.

Whereas I in turn am currently sitting in my office in Johannesburg wrapped up in enough warm padding to wrap an aircraft carrier, battling to type this with nearly frostbitten fingers – unless my boss is reading this, in which case I wrote this post at home on Sunday evening and am currently working very very hard on my tasks for the day

Stoopid winter. If anyone needs me I’ll be in Canada, running around in shorts and asking someone if they could please switch the AC on as it’s getting a warm in here.

So who missed me?

And who’s waiting to hear my latest excuse on why this site has been so quiet lately? In fact, while we’re on the subject, who gives a flying-fox-fart about why?

I’m guessing nobody – for all three queries. According to Google Analytics all of you stopped reading this site over the last few weeks anyway… and just because there were never any updates. A bit bloody rude if you ask me, but then you aren’t asking me. Because you’re not reading this… Except for the guy who keeps checking the photos of Jessica Alba – cough cough here cough cough. Hello!

How very Twilight Zone of me: you’re not here. But I’m writing to you anyway. And you know I’m writing to you. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo (doesn’t really work written down, innit? You know, the theme tune to The Twilight Zone? Yes? No. Never mind. Sigh)

Welcome to the Republic of Stu – population: me.

Cue tumbleweed…