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First up: I realise there is, nay was, an old post somewhere in the depths of this site with the same title. The thing is, that post was really rather shite. Plus, I wanted to write a new post about blogging, so I made an executive decision. Old post- dragged out into the street, flogged to within an inch of its life, and summarily binned. New post- well ummmm… here?
Regular readers of this site (hello both of ya!) will know that Stu’s take on… has a proud history: it was back in the year 2009, somewhere around early March if I’m not mistaken, that I decided there were far too many crap sites out there and that the blogosphere (can’t believe I actually used that word in real life! Next stop: using “LOL” in conversation) needed something worthwhile to read from day to day. Well… I was at the office and needed some way to skive off doing any actual work, and what better way than by setting up a new blog- if done slowly enough it can be made to take hours! Anyhoo, long story short: this site was born with a wee little intro about “Welcome to my little corner of the web… blah blah blah etc.”
Fast forward just under two years and here we are: this site having gone from 1 visitor per day (me), to nearly twenty thousand of you every month, even when I’m as slack as I’m currently being: only updating every few days with some lame-ass not-really-funny pic or YouTube clip I got in my inbox that morning. Thanks y’all!
But you know all of this, don’t ya? Which brings me, in a very roundabout way, to the point of this post (like I needed one): things I’ve learnt about blogging, by blogging.
- Sex sells
Now there’s a shocker! It doesn’t matter what I waffle about – Top Gear, rugby, booze, ninjas, Ferraris – it makes no difference to the top posts of all time: (1) Jessica Biel, and (2) everything else. At least y’all have taste. I’m gonna hope that not everyone reading this is a trenchcoat-wearing heavy-breather trolling the web for smut. Hi Simon.
- I need to shut up to get the reader stats up
Every time I get too hectic at work and don’t get to update this site for two weeks at a stretch or so the site’s readership figures go through the roof. And when I’m back online every day going “Yoohoo! How are you? What are you wearing? Wie’s jou pappa? Here’s what I did this week, etc.” it gets quieter than… ummm… something really quiet. (comedy genius right there! Watch and learn kiddies.)
- Your mind will go blanker than Paris Hilton’s understanding of quantum physics
Seriously – I do often have to bugger off and work well ‘ard. This means that the site goes “Sshhh”. But sometimes… I just have absolutely nothing to say. Whatsoever. Who’d have thought? I could just fill those times with yet more “Check this clip I saw on Frik Knobski’s blog” or posts to that effect, but then I… don’t.
- I won’t make my fortune from advertising
As menioned above this site is rather busy. Google Adsense pays for clicks as well as impressions. So far, in two years, I’m up all of roughly R350. Dear Gulfstream: not quite yet with the whole fly G6 bit, aight?
- Too many blogs write about blogging
Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m writing a post about the exact thing mentioned in the heading of this item, but it’s a once-off. The number of sites out there with massive, and very well-read, blogs explaining to everyone just how to blog is simply flabbergasting. Instructions? Really? Here’s everything all those sites takes hundreds of posts and dozens of pages to get across:
(i) type stuff (check);
(ii) click “Post” (check);
(iii) update quite often (my bad);
(iv) don’t be boring (occasionally, like now: my bad);
(v) that’s it. You’re a blogger. Well done. (back ladies, back I say).
I’m sure there’s loads more to add to this list, but right know I gotta do some actual work that pays the bills (hint hint at you Adsense), so gonna need to cut this one short. Will carry on with the list at a later stage.
Because you NEED to read more things I learnt about blogging.
Oh yes you do.
Don’t fight it – it’s only natural.
There we go.
Kulula’s at it again – being legendary. Check out this article from gotravel24.com:
Ready for Royal Lobola
So we’re all familiar with the concept of Lobola. For those not in the know, it’s a Southern African tradition in which a man makes a symbolic payment, traditionally of cows, for the hand of his betrothed.
Well what do you know, low fare airline kulula.com is providing a uniquely South African twist to the UK royal wedding by delivering a herd of cows to Buckingham Palace.
For every flight booked from 14 February to 28 April, kulula will make a contribution to the cost of a herd fit for a royal lobola. The cows will be sourced locally in the UK (to avoid shipping our local cows to an uncomfortably chilly climate and save on carbon emissions) following their acceptance by Kate’s family. In order to calculate an appropriate bride price, kulula is inviting South Africans to register on their Facebook page, their opinion on the size of the herd that would make a suitable lobola.
“Wills has been a big fan of South Africa and we’re big fans of him and his bride-to-be. We’re more than happy, alongside our kulula fans, to be sending him the finest cows we can get our hands on in order to make their happy day even more special,” said Nadine Damen, Marketing Manager at kulula.
 In true royal fashion, they've come up with this commemorative plate and cup. The airline also has ‘Special Romantic Royal Wedding Lobola Nice Flights’ flight specials on offer in a bid to coax the royal couple down to South Africa for their honeymoon and to allow local lovebirds to also take flight (without having to sell any wedding presents).
“Let’s face, it weddings are expensive and times are still tough. With all the royal pomp the Brits demand, we’re sure the royal couple will be looking for some cheap, but lovely, deals in a warm climate to get over the whole thing,” added Damen.
10 points to Kulula. Once again. These guys are up there with Nando’s in terms of wiseass advertising and marketing. Good on ya.
I’ve spent the last two days ill and in bed, bravely (and quite frankly rather heroically) fending off the desperate attempts of the world’s more vicious strains of viruses, bacteria and superbugs. Now before you dear kind-hearted readers get all panicky and break the speed limit in your haste to race to my bedside in order to mop my furrowed brow in my final moments, you need to bear one thing in mind: I am a man.
And we ALL know what that means, right? Or rather, we all know what that means according to the other gender: women. What this means is that I was apparently NOT suffering from a rare mutated form of ebola which had successfully combined with youregonnadiehorribly-itis mere seconds before viciously attacking my immune system and launching a mini Pearl Harbour in my bloodstream. No, apparently it’s rather common and is known by many as… drumroll please (you know, coz it’s like the dramatic scene in a movie)… the flu.
Apparently (there’s that word again) when women are suffering dealing with this so-called “flu” they simply pop a Corenza C or a Med Lemon or something along those lines and go off to work without so much as a sniffle or a stifled cough.
Well bully for them! Personally I find it far too convenient that there is ANY chance of us discussing the same ailment here. How is possible that a woman with (apparently) the same illness is at her desk, quietly making the company some money, while I am thrashing about on my deathbed, drenched in virtually radioactive sweat, low guttural moans emanating from deep within my pox-ridden body?
Clearly what SHE is referring to is “the sniffles” – a rather minor case of a runny nose that warrants little more than a pack of tissues for her, and when I have it, merely the briefest of stays in ICU. Nay, what I am referring to here is NOT “the sniffles”. What I have here is OBVIOUSLY the 21st century’s reincarnated mutated form of bubonic plague, an evil and wicked strain which has spent its time hiding in faraway caves since the Middle Ages, quietly studying the human body in order to better understand the possible ways to cause unimagined horrors within. And I, brave (and rather unlucky) soul that I am, am it’s chosen victim.
And even if by some major longshot it is merely the “flu” that is causing me to eye long wooden boxes and get my affairs in order, then here’s a thought: 1918. Ring any bells folks?
I will thus thank you to NOT equate my liquefying internal organs with your puny little “sniffles”, thank you very much. I am ill. I am a man. I have a REAL illness. I do not get felled by a snotty nose.
Sniff
It’s Friday (in case you hadn’t noticed) and that means just one thing – the end of the first proper working week back at the office of 2011. (If you were already back at the office on the 3rd your job sucks and you’ve probably got a stationery cupboard to restock or something important like that instead of sitting here reading this. Toodles.)
Right, so what have we learnt?
- Summer holidays (or winter holidays for our northern friends) are but a distant fleeting memory. Your two weeks of barely moving from the beach due to (i) the sheer tranquility of it all, (ii) the excessive amounts of colourful drinks with itsy-bitsy umbrellas in them that you quaffed constantly, and (iii) the raging sunburn making it all but impossible to move a finger, have already faded away so much that it feels as though you never left the office.
- At this point in January your bank manager is no longer taking your calls and Bobby “Baseball Bat” McKneecap is loitering outside your house after yet another festive season full of credit card punishment and abuse.
- Those quiet roads that were such a pleasure to travel on a mere two weeks ago are once again gridlocked by armies of office drones, each of whom is already counting the sleeps until the next holiday, just like a kid waiting for Christmas.
- Your latest batch of New Years resolutions was about as much of a good idea as that seventh Jagermeister (conveniently imbibed at about the same time as when you decided that taking up marathon running was a “good idea”).
- You’ve decided that this is the year that you quit your job and take up fishing on a tropical island somewhere. See Bobby McKneecap comment above before going through with this one.
Sound about right?
Right, I’m off to see who else I can cheer up!
Good morning kiddies, and welcome to 2011.
First order of business: how many of you still have at least one of your New Years resolutions in place? Really?
Didn’t think so – you’re all chain-smoking and sitting there with a mouthful of cheescake right now, aren’t you? Thought so.
So now that the holidays have come and gone and we’re all back at the office (boo hoo sob) I figured I should probably pop around to say Hi and give my holiday report.
My holiday report:
- Went back to PE (if you read my previous column on PE you’ll be surprised to hear that it has not yet been blown halfway to Tasmania and is still to be found somewhere southwest of Durban and a smidgen – or rather a lot of smidgens – east of Cape Town).
- …but this time we drove there – jissis but it’s kak far from Pretoria;
- The Karoo is kinda warm;
- The Karoo is actually VERY warm;
- a holiday “by the sea” is still a holiday even if it’s rainy and overcast the ENTIRE. FRIKKIN. TIME.
- The Karoo is still rather toasty on the way back. Who’d have thought?
But it was AWAY, and thus a holiday, and thus awesome.
But alas, it all had to end and everyone soon found themselves trudging back up the N1, already cranky about work before they’d even reached Colesburg. Is there anything more soul-destroying than that drive back inland to return to work (Jessica Alba getting married notwithstanding)? Say what you want here – it doesn’t matter how much you claim to enjoy your job, it STILL cannot be better than slothing on a beach admiring bikini-clad lovelies sand dunes and nature and stuff, all the while sipping a cold one.
So here we go: 2011. “What’s on the cards?” I hear you ask. Well…
- This is the year I launch myself out of an aeroplane – skydiving, not playing at being Superman.
- This is the year to climb Kilimanjaro (UPDATE: just Googled “climb Kilimanjaro” and saw what it’ll cost. Strewth!) This is thus the year I start saving to climb Kilimanjaro.
- This is the year I actually update this blog more than once a month the whole year through. Coz the last few months of 2010′s posts comprised pretty much nothing other than posts about how I’ll how eventually get back to updating. Fascinating? Not so much. That being said, I think it has become fairly evident that my job does not allow me to post every day. I will thus write more long columns every few days than post 10 short one-liners about what ever other blogger is also posting at any given time every single day. Care – you will.
- This is the year I get all fit and healthy and Mens Health cover model-esque (well, more model-esque than now… assuming that’s possible
 ). Oh alright – I’ll go for a short jog a couple of times this year. That’s probably a little bit more realistic.
- More SCUBA diving will be done this year too – and not just in some dingy little quarry outside Brits – we’re talking Indian Ocean here. So look out Sharky: here comes The Stu. We’re from Pretoria. Ons sal jou opfok! Sidenote: A friend of mine (who is NOT a fan of the big blue sea) reckons that sharks are the sea’s version of Bakkies Botha: if you f@ck with them they will TAKE YOU OUT! Even if you don’t mess with them – he’s convinced they’re hunting you down as we speak. Needless to say he has no intention of diving with us for the forseeable future
Right, so there you have my resolutions of sorts in print (well, on a screen anyway) for all the world to see, so let’s check back in on 31 December to see how they went. Yes?
So usually I’m not talking to y’all coz I’m far too busy working, right? Well, work’s finally finished and now I ain’t talking to y’all for a whole new reason – I’m chilling out in Port Elizabeth for a few days visiting Baby Boet, catching up some much-needed relaxing.
Background history: Port Elizabeth (PE) is a city in South Africa’s Eastern Cape province, and probably started off in an area somewhere around the equator, but then the wind got hold of it. It should be off the coast of Australia by this time next year). The reason for its existence is… ummm… well there’s a harbour, so possibly shipping? Yeah, shipping. I’m gonna go with that. In the grander scheme of the country it serves the noble role of… ummm… giving us the Ironman competition (I’m tired just from typing that) and ummm… some more shipping? Row row row your boat…
Right: PE – what have we learned in the 48 hours I’ve spent here so far? (no real order to this list here – kinda all over the place)
- The weather is on crack – seriously, it has no frikkin idea what the hell it wants! Oh look, it’s sunny. No wait, it’s cloudy. Hang on, not so fast, it’s sunny again. Wait, is that wind? Of course it’s wind – it’s always bloody wind! It ain’t all bad though – between the constant gales and the constant clouds at least it ain’t too hot… And cue wind for a change.
- Half-price sushi at The Meditteranean (that is the name, right?) – delicious food nom nom nom. Highly recommended.
- Everyone here is a million times fitter than me – they dash off for a quick 10 km run or 5 mile swim or 1 million km cycle every other minute of the day. I swear it’s nuts: one minute you’re chatting to some random person about the news of the day and the next thing you know they’re off to Cape Town and back on a bicycle before you’re even halfway through your doughnut. I get tired just thinking about it.
- On the subject of fitness: there is a real downside to it all – LOTS and LOTS of Speedos (or at least assorted forms of tight-fitting costumes… for the dudes)! I know – this travesty of justice needs to be addressed. I propose that male wearers of (i) Speedos, and (ii) any other form of tights, get lumped under the same category as gingers and dealt with accordingly.
- Did I mention it’s a little windy?
- Driving… sigh. Now this was to be expected – I’m from Gauteng, and therefore everyone else in the country is a slow-ass dawdling sloth not worthy of piloting an ox wagon, while they all feel the speeds I do on the country’s roads are better suited to something owned and utilised by the RAF. Needless to say nobody here should be allowed access to a vehicle for their own good – cars that drive that slowly are destined to break down soon anyway, thus we should just confiscate the lot and be done with it. Doesn’t really matter anyway – if you read the above you’ll be aware that they all love a good cycle to Cairo and back by lunchtime, so it ain’t as if anyone’s gonna be stranded.
- While we’re on the subject – NO TRAFFIC! Aside from all my (to be expected) whining there is zero actual traffic here (they’re probably all on their bicycles) – I swear I’m looking to move here purely to have traffic jams out of my life forever! Sure they might be forced to sit at the lights for a whole two changes come 5pm, but I kinda battle to feel sympathetic about that.
- Addo Elephant National Park – spent yesterday driving through this national park, and I can heartily recommend it. Roads were quiet, animals were plentiful (and really chilled) and it was all in all a nice break after the chaos of the city we all put up with at work. Of course it was a bit windy…
- Beaches – I know this ain’t really PE-specific, as everywhere along the coast has beaches, but I’m HERE so it’s a plus for HERE. As long as there are no Speedos around of course.
So given the really crap argument above, what’s my conclusion? I’m a fan. Just gonna have to get my lazy ass down to the gym though. Coz that’s gonna happen…
So that’s my very brief update – there’ll be more stories from the trenches once I’m back home early next week. Gotta dash off to watch some fit folks swim to East London and back this afternoon.
And by “Under construction” I mean the SA highways version of being under construction – a silly little bunch of orange cones placed on the road and bugger all happens for a few weeks…
Guess which site is taking a little hiatus due to the chaos that is commonly referred to as real life?
No, not that one…
Work with me…
There we go.
So until further notice I’m gonna be extra Shhhhhhh around here I’m afraid. Hopefully not for too long… you lot need to be informed whenever a new set of Megan Fox Armani underwear pics come out, don’t you? How will you ever keep abreast (see what I did there?) of her movements in the lingerie underworld?
Watch this space y’all.
Dear Diary
What’s happening as we head into the first weekend of October?
Will be at Loftus tomorrow – Western Province will be getting a lesson in defeat (like they need another one). My bloed is blou.
Here’s hoping I don’t get moered simply for speaking English. To avert this potential issue I’m going to put my faith in my Bulls shirt and will be sure to whisper whenever I need to speak. This muted conversation will be interspersed with randomly shouted phrases along the lines of: “JIRRE REF, IS JY F@CKEN BLIND OF WAT?”. You know, just to be on the safe side.
All this talk of Loftus leads us on to (snigger)… CHEERLEADERS!!!
Let’s take a minute to contemplate cheerleaders.
Mmmmmm cheerleaders…
Still got the flu – apparently my bloed is not only blou, it’s also mildly diseased.
Cough cough.
It’s the weekend – glug glug glug (above-mentioned viral diseases notwithstanding).
Expect whiny updates on Monday about “Ssshhhh hungover… not so loud… I’m never drinking again… etc.”
Baby-boet is moving to Port Elizabeth tomorrow, which means I get to spend my time this evening carrying heavy-ass stuff like fridges and beds and socks onto a trailer. Kak. Did I mention I’ve got the flu? cough cough can’t carry heavy stuff but I’ll happily pass this one sock lying on the ground cough cough woe is me I feel like the f@ckin’ Outbreak monkey’s been a-visiting cough cough…
So all in all a very busy weekend planned, not so? What are you doin?
No, this isn’t yet another one of those “boo hoo hoo I’m so busy and can’t update ever but will start again one day so please don’t leave me boo hoo hoo” posts. Okay, maybe it is just a little bit, but that’s not the main idea behind this post, mmmkay? It’s more about my immortality and sheer awesomeness through absenteeism. Coz I’m modest like that.
And on with it… Remember years and years and years ago when I used to occasionally post new stuff on this blog? Me neither, but rest assured that it was known to happen from time to time.
These updates were interspersed with me buggering off to work for massive chunks of time that resulted in things getting ever so quiet here on the site for weeks at a stretch – apparently working in my chosen field (being awesome… nay I jest, I work in TV/event production – but am awesome nonetheless. S’true.) means that there’s none of this 9-5 kak you slackers are so fond of – it’s all or nothing / me vs the clock when I get suckered into contributing to the country’s GDP (and awesomeness ranking).
Anyhoo, long story short: apparently when I duck for a while the stats of this site don’t do what one would expect and nosedive. Nope they actually go UP. That’s right – MORE people read the site whenever I STOP talking to you regularly. ummm…
Anyone reckon I should have developed a bit of a complex by now? You’d think so, hey?
But nope, I prefer to find the GOOD behind this. What exactly that good actually is still kinda escapes me, but I’m convinced it’s there. In case you care.
So what this means is that if I were to stop updating the site forever it would become the most popular site anywhere on the interwebnetLANgroup in all eternity. That’s how my little world works anyway.
There can be only one. Me.
Gee, for a change I’ve been too busy to update lately. There’s a first!
So here’s what I’m gonna do: rush the occasional half-assed update that is kinda weak and badly researched during the course of my upcoming 6 week chaos job. Because believe me, hectic doesn’t begin to describe what I’m in for at work.
Whaddaya reckon? Does that meet with your approval?
Because I’ve been soooo good about listening to feedback so far, innit?
Got some big things in store for this site when it gets back to full capacity – including a slight change of focus (yes, there is a focus to all this, I swear) which is gonna be bigger and better. Or not – we’ll see. Also, a whole new series of columns are planned a la “Stu’s take on <lots of stuff>” and “Things that piss me off”. The latter list is gonna be huge! And legendary!
Until then… toodles!
I really gotta stop saying that…
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