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In the same vein as David Thorne, email prankster extraordinaire (here on this site, and here for his original site), comes another entrant in the “wise-ass & pretty darn funny emails category”, known as Don’tEvenReply.com. Here’s a little taster for you, starting off with the original ad seeking disguised weapons. Check it out. Originally posted here. (JPEG of the whole email conversation provided by theCHIVE.)
Classic! ![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=05991985-f2db-4e70-9a78-5fc2c50aa79a)
 The 'manne' from Top Gear Did you all see the recent Top Gear review of the new Ford Fiesta? If not, boy did you ever miss out on what has got to be one of THE funniest bits of TV ever made! But never fear. Always here to save the day, I managed to track it down for you lot. All 11 minutes of it. And you will watch them all! Trust me… After being moaned at by a viewer for not reviewing cars “properly”, they decided to answer the call. The review answers, in true piss-yourself-funny Top Gear fashion, such pressing questions as:
Awe’frikkin’some! The official Top Gear site has also put up a couple of photos of what they consider to be the Top 10 bits of TG telly. Go take a look. And yes, the Ford Fiesta test is one of them…
 Craigslist now in South Africa Check out (what is claimed to be) an actual Craigslist ad about some oh so sweet revenge on the world’s most unfortunate mugger. It nicely illustrates what some would probably term “karma”. I, on the other hand, prefer to phrase it as “making a no-good mugger your bitch”.
Alex: you are a legend! 20 points. — — ![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=1a811a78-8e6e-48f2-949a-c807265fda40) New David Thorne email… awesome!
From: David Thorne Dear Peter, Thankyou for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my ‘to do’ list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal. Regards, David.
From: Peter Williams David I recommed you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke. Peter From: David Thorne Dear Peter, The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn’t. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny ironing board or glass tea light. The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one. Regards, David. From: Peter Williams David I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls. Peter From: David Thorne Dear Peter, I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think “That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge.” Regards, David.
From: Peter Williams David Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises. Peter From: David Thorne Dear Peter, Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of security and the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment. I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s cub group sleepover. Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out. Regards, David. From: Peter Williams I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease – the choice is yours. Do not email me again unless it is of a serious matter. Peter From: David Thorne
———————————————– ![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=88869718-e7cc-4894-b50b-47acf83b8ad3) Here’s yet another David Thorne awesome email conversation. This dude cracks me up! To see the other classics of his that I’ve posted in the past click the “David Thorne” label in the “Labels” section on the right. —————————————–
From: David Thorne Dear Helen, Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Hello David I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises? Helen From: David Thorne Dear Helen, Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not? Helen From: David Thorne Dear Helen, No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey Hello David You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok. Helen From: David Thorne Dear Helen, They are very small ducks. Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss? Helen From: David Thorne Dear Helen, The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. . Regards, David. From: Helen Bailey David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets. Helen ———————————————– If you read the previous post about David Thorne, internet prankster extraordinaire, and his spider drawing, you’ll be sure to enjoy this latest email conversation he had with his local gym even more. You did read it, didn’t you? I do recall giving you strict instructions… ——————————— From: Jeff Peters Dear David This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon. All the best, Jeff Peters From: David Thorne Dear Jeff, Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 – Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Hello David How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Dear Jeff Do I get free shipping with that? Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months. From: David Thorne Dear Jeff By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to ‘lift this’, ”push that’ dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Hello David Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Dear Jeff Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn’t talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher ‘mum’ and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Go f*ck yourself. From: David Thorne Dear Jeff I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN From: David Thorne Ok. From: Jeff Peters Is that you being a smart@rse or agreeing not to email me again? From: David Thorne The middle one. ———————————————– Are you still here? I know this is old and has already been reprinted on pretty much every website in existence, but hey, it’s one of my all time favourites. So if you haven’t yet experienced the awesomeness of David Thorne’s internet pranks, here goes… From: Jane Gilles Dear David, Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles From: David Thorne Dear Jane, Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Dear David, Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles From: David Thorne Dear Jane, Regards, David. From: Jane Gilles Dear David, Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles From: David Thorne Dear Jane, Yes please. Regards, David. From: Jane Gilles Attached From: David Thorne Dear Jane, Regards, David. From: Jane Gilles Dear David, Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles From: David Thorne Thankyou for contacting me. Regards, David. From: David Thorne Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion. Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Dear David, Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles From: David Thorne I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it. Regards, David. From: Jane Gilles Attached
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