Twitter « Stu's take on…

Would the real Barney Stinson please stand up? On Twitter at least...

Soooo… A while back I wrote a post about the brilliance that is Barney Stinson’s Twitter page -@brocode. Turns out that I may have been duped. Shock! Horror! You don’t care!

According to certain other sites, Mashable included (and apparently they are well smart and know stuff about things), the actual Twitter page of the character Barney Stinson is @broslife. tsk tsk… And no, my dear Capetonians, I said ‘tsk’, not ‘tik’. Relax.

Fail. Though in keeping with my other post about his legendary (see what I did there?) book ‘The Bro Code’ (GET IT NOW! C’MON!) one can only assume that, as per the description on the page, @brocode is from the book itself, and not just sharp lines from the character.

Who knows? Neither profile has that fancy-ass ‘Verified Account’ bit they use for real celebs and the like. There are probably dozens of other Twitter profiles out there all claiming to be the real deal.

And speaking of which, when do you reckon Twitter will be contacting me to verify my celebrity account? cough cough @stustake cough cough. Beware of non-genuine Stu products – to verify that you have in fact stumbled across the one-and-only genuine article be sure to check for the patented and highly-coveted 10 inch CENSORED.

But I digress. Back to the Barney’s Twitter account debate: See? Did you see how I made sure that all is well and that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I, the Great Stu, was wrong?

I’m never wrong.

Nuh uh, never.

Deal with it.

Unless my missus is reading this – then I’m most definitely wrong. Not sure why, but pretty darn sure that I am wrong anyway.

Anyhoo, go check out Barney’s @broslife profile – it’s hilarious, a la…

One hour until the season finale of How I Banged Barney Stinson.

When life gives you lemons…you ignore the lemons and have sex with the next girl you see.

The winner of the Short Shorts Mini Skirts debate….All of Brokind.

Happy Birthday Mr. Clooney. Next time you are in town you should be my wingman.

This weekend I told a girl I was Dr. Emmett Brown and asked where I could find some plutonium. Needless to say, we banged. True Story.

After much discussion…the winner of the tubetop/tanktop debate is….all of mankind. Cleavage is awesome.

Boob spelled backwards is boob. That’s science.

…and lots more.

Classic!

Barney Stinson’s “The Bro Code” on Twitter…

While trolling the halls of Twitter, I stumbled across a profile that claims to the one, the only, Barney Stinson of How I met your mother fame, the legendary womanising character overly fond of suiting-up and high-fives, and played by Neil Patrick Harris. The Twitter profile is @brocode. (The REAL and verified Neil Patrick Harris, not a character profile, is @ActuallyNPH.

The profile quotes lines from his book The Bro Code, a book which, as previously discussed HERE, is one of the funniest books ever written, and should be considered compulsory reading by all guys the world over.

Some examples of his tweets are (again- quoted from the book itself):

jump on the grenade – the process in which a Bro “takes one for the team” by talking to a hot chick’s unattractive friend. #broglossary

#prestripclubchecklist read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you’re going to see

#prestripclubchecklist plant fake “movie producer” business cards on self where they might “accidentally” fall out in2 cleavage of dancer(s)

rack jack – to steal a wingman’s quarry, often with malicious, premeditated intent. #broglossary

a Bro may toss the Bro Code out the window if Scandinavian twins are involved in any capacity

regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that yes, “Broadway” begins with Bro

Another way of continuing the awesomeness that is Barney Stinson is to read his very own blog - www.barneysblog.com. Go have a look.

So go check out profile @brocode on Twitter (after following moi, @stustake, of course…), and then get your paws on a copy of the book: The Bro Code is available from any halfway-decent bookstore, or online at Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk. And yes, there WILL be a pop quiz.

It’s gonna be legen….. wait for it…. dary!

What’s your Twitter account worth? Not much…

Ever wondered what your Twitter account is worth? Seriously? Well, ok…

A site has cropped up claiming to calculate what the worth of your Twitter profile is, very subtly titled: What is my Twitter account worth?

The homepage look a little something like this:

After entering your username it all gets very official-looking (or not) and promptly presents you with your results:

Not much I see… which it of course allows (practically begs) you to brag about as a status update:

My staggeringly ginormous $92 net worth aside, there are apparently some bigger fish out there. Take a look at what this site reckons the big boys of Twitter are worth:

Fascinating. Don’t care.

How they figure this out is a bit beyond me. Well, either that or I stopped caring before I bothered trying to find out. Probably based entirely on followers count…

Go check out your own Twitter worth: What is my Twitter account worth?

And while we’re on the subject… you are following ME on Twitter, right? Right? Good.

Pssst: @stustake

Santa gets cranky on Twitter…

Just discovered a really amusing, seriously cranky, drunken Santa Claus on Twitter. Check out some of his not-so-in-the-spirit-of-Christmas musings / status updates:

“Tweet” me your wishlist kids! Santa’s ready to block and report your dreams as spam.

Santa’s snorting a line of eggnog off an elf chick’s ass. Trust me. We get different eggnog here.

Santa’s busy! These Barbies aren’t going to creepily fondle themselves.

I like how everyone thinks Rudolph did shit. Fact. Rudolph is an oh-look-at-me-I-have-a-red-nose diva fuck.

Yes! Because what we need is another parade where I’m exploited for no royalties while I freeze my dick off in the North Pole.

Santa Claus is coming to town! Except Baltimore. Christmas is cancelled in Baltimore. Also? Fuck Baltimore.

Elves are annoying as fuck. Let’s outsource your job to Bangalore and see how much you yap then, you dicks.

I’m making a list and checking it twice. Ha! Fuck that. Drinking and playing it by ear.

Brilliance! Go check him out on Twitter.

Classic words of wisdom…

Yet more classic words of wisdom from @shitmydadsays:

Maximum respect!

Twitter making it even easier to not have to come up with my own stuff…

Signed in to Twitter today, and saw the following message:

Click the image if it’s too small to read. If you care. But you don’t.

The accompanying text, as per the image, stated:
Hi there, you’re part of a beta group receiving this feature, which means you may start seeing retweets in a new way. People who don’t have this yet will see your retweets prefaced by “RT”.

Whoohooo!!!!

Wait! Scratch that.

I don’t care.

This one time…

I know: lately this site has had a lot more posts about cool pics and properly-fine ladies than long-winded columns about my take on the polar ice caps.

Been at this for nearly half a year now, and guess what? Gets kinda difficult to write something new and fascinating five times a day, seven days a week when you’ve still got two jobs demanding your undivided attention. Oh woe is me… cry me a river… etc…

I could enthrall you with blow-by-blow (lol) accounts of my daily life, but I’m kinda betting that you’re not that interested in what I had for breakfast. Besides, if you want to know what people have for breakfast, well then, that’s what Twitter is for. Seriously: just did a quick search for “Breakfast” on Twitter Search, and look:

Madness! And more importantly… who cares? Note the frankly mind-blowing bit near the top: 9 more results in the 3 milliseconds it took me to snap that pic of the browser window.

So what’s a nerdy Blogger such as myself to do? Simple: post pics from and links to my personal favourites received from my rather excessive list of RSS Feed subscriptions in Google Reader. As previously discussed here it lets you automatically get updates to all those zillions of blogs and sites that are frequently updated without you having to go to each site individually. (I just saved you HOURS of time at your desk in the morning checking your favourite sites. Your boss will thank me. You… not so much, coz now you’re going to have to actually work.)

How about I tell you all about my daily commute from Pretoria to Johannesburg? Here we go: traffic was SHIT. Every day. Traffic will continue to be SHIT. Every day. The end. Next topic please.

My car is back at the shop being fixed after deciding that moving along the road is completely overrated and frankly rather tedious. Well, it’s SUPPOSED to be getting fixed, but in reality the store is fighting with the factory over just who gets the honour of paying for the repairs. This is because I completely messed with their plans by reminding them about that whole pesky “having a warranty” bit. Awesome for me. More difficult for them. Unlucky. Cry me a river.

Now… was that fascinating? Or should I rather just shut up and post more photos of Megan Fox? Mmmmm….. Megan Fox…

Thought so.

Unfortunately for you lot, I kinda enjoyed writing an unnecessary and overly-long post about traffic, my car and searching “Breakfast” on Twitter. So you get to expect more. Lots more. Plus there’ll be a pop quiz at the end of the week on the progress of my car repairs, so consider yourselves warned.

By the way, in the time it has taken me to type this post…

And in case you’re still wondering: it was Pronutro.

Have you been "Tweeting too hard"?

It was bound to happen eventually – people who take themselves perhaps a wee bit too seriously have been given the recognition they deserve on. All those self-important, thinly-veiled attempts at bragging on Twitter have been put out there for the world to appreciate, admire and deride.

Enter ‘Tweeting too hard‘, a website that allows Twitter users to submit a Tweet, aka Twitter message for the uninformed (does that count as one?). The public then gets to vote for the best by clicking next to the message to award, or penalise, pats on the back.

Here are a few examples of Tweets in the Top 20:

@babesmcphee: OMG i was saying how i couldn’t afford the gas to fly daddy’s jet to the riviera this summer, and this barista totally rolled her eyes at me

@serafinowicz: Went to the gym this morning. As I left, everyone said I was the best!

@mike29401: 228 this morning. Rock-hard abs. Looking good. I’d f*ck myself if I were flexible enough.

@ArthurKadeInc: Girl at the gym was checking me out, I could tell she wanted me. A Philly 8, but she had sweaty arm pits. I don’t date girls that sweat.

@guykawasaki: replying to @wildbill: I don’t get it either. Who pushes out more interesting links AND interacts more than me on Twitter?

@SonaliT: Watching a LOT of fashion mistakes go past whilst waiting for the bus. This is why I don’t use public transport.

@brettschulte: If you weren’t on Twitter in 2007 you are NOT an authority on social media. At all.

And the champion currently in the number one spot of the all-time Top 10 is….

(drumroll please)…

This guy:
@joshuabaer: fan belt light came on in the 911 so now I’m driving the Cayenne Turbo S – the backup, backup car. Trying not to think about the Tesla…

10 Points to him for informing the world of his extreme and legendary awesomeness!

Stu's take on... Twitter

So what have I learnt after 6 or 7 weeks using Twitter? Quite a lot actually. Some good, some bad, some downright daft.

First thing I’m sure you ALL noticed: everyone’s an internet marketer. And I mean EVERYONE. “I activated Google Adsense, therefore I’m a marketer”. Well done. Go away.

Secondly, half of Twitter wants to convince the other half to click their link to find the “Easiest way to add 74 gazillion followers in 1 nanosecond!” There are even sites that automatically let you follow folks who have some arbitrary keyword in their updates. “I have no idea who you are, and haven’t even had a chance to check out your Twitter page to find out if I’d like to learn who you are, but let’s click this and I’ll follow you and everybody else you’ve ever met instantly”. Please feel free to follow me if you like my updates – the more the merrier… however, Dear automated robot: Go away, or it’s the size 13 spanner for you buddy.

Many folks I know try Twitter out for a few days and then decide it’s a load of bollocks. They were probably bombarded by my favourite folks that call themselves the internet marketer brigade (and lovingly discussed above). I nearly fell prey to the same problem, until…

1. I started following a few really funny folks,

2. Followed some work associates who tend to skive off as much as I do and we pass the time by updating Twitter,

3. Found a bunch of others who post links to really cool sites, which once again leads to even more skiving off work (I so hope my boss doesn’t read my blog… If she does, can I have a raise?)

In addition to the above-mentioned folks, sooner or later you’re going to meet a few of the following on Twitter:

1. The uber-goddess. She (or he, whatever) is so far beyond fine (and so far out of your league) it hurts, so you follow them, coz now we’re BFFs, right? Wrong. They will not follow you back. Sorry for you. Back to your dreary celibate existence for you pal.

2. The big-time celebrity. As above, you’ll follow them because you WANT to be BFFs (I’ve so got to stop saying BFFs…) and they’ll follow you back and you’ll all chat daily and everything will be lovely. You include their Twitter name in every update you post so they’ll mention you in their stream and all 1 674 599 of their followers will want your body. FAIL. They didn’t follow you back, and probably don’t search their own name, so they didn’t even see your message to them. Why, Megan Fox, why won’t you reply to me?!?! cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

3. The porn star. They’re hot and do lots of people (except, of course, you). You can’t operate a high-end camera, so it ain’t gonna happen. And no, your single clip you posted on Youtube of your buddy falling over doesn’t cut it. Although their posts of what they’re about to get up to are pretty cool… Anyway, go away.

4. The Navel-gazer. Their stream of tweets pretty much covers their whole life: “good morning all”, “mmm good coffee”, “Cheerios for breakfast”, “going to work now”… I think you get the picture. These people may seem interesting at first, but beware. As soon as you get sucked into their daily lives you’ll soon find yourself asking them fascinating queries like “how was your sandwich”. Now hold on just a second here folks: I live in South Africa, you live in Norway. We’ve never met. We’re never going to meet. You told me about your packed lunch. I cared about your packed lunch. Do you see where I’m going with this? You’ll end up wanting to brain yourself with your keyboard. Go away.

5. The Retweeter. Never had an original thought in their lives, so they just retweet everyone else’s updates. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes to retweeting. Some of the funniest and most interesting links have come through as retweets from some random clown in Outer Mongolia who first read it from some other clown he follows from… the Moon for all I know. Just mix it up a bit, will ya? Take me for instance: I shamelessly punt my blog in between retweeting other folk’s hard work. Nothing wrong there, I’m sure. And feel free to retweet this post’s link… hint hint.

6. The shameless blog punter. Me, so we’re not gonna go there. cough cough stustake.com cough cough

7. The bleeding heart. Switch off your bloody PC then – that’ll cut out a nice fat chunk of your oversized clown-shoe-wearing carbon footprint. I truly do sympathise with your cause, but seriously? EVERY 5 minutes? Lighten up buddy!

and finally…

8. The News Site. Being informed = good. Every single thing that happens written in CAPITAL LETTERS **NEWSFLASH** BREAKING NEWS** and being regarded as a major breaking story = not so good. Flash floods in a major city = breaking news. Some junior MP in Bolivia gets a traffic ticket = not so much. Go away with your Breaking this and Breaking that, or I’ll be breaking something else.

Believe me, Twitter is an awesome way to kill some time. Whenever you get bored of it you can guarantee you’ll check just one last time, and will get sucked straight back into it. The next thing you know, it’s dark, your bath has overflowed and you’ve just missed two days of work. But you know that Helga had a nice sandwich for lunch, so who cares, right?

Now go away.

Classic Twitter updates from Darth Vader himself...

Okay, so I may have stretched the truth a wee bit when I harped on about “Oh woe is me! So busy! No time to update!” (cue appropriate wailing noises and tearing of cloth) – I guess I could occasionally, over the course of this rather hectic week, manage to scrape together three or four minutes to have a chat with you lot.

So on that note: when next on Twitter, go check out @darthvader. Some of his really rather random tweets are helluva funny.

In addition to those in the above pic, here are a couple of his pearlers:

Tom Hanks thinks he’s the only one who can flip a switch and destroy the planet. Been there, done that.

Note to author: My extremities may be chicken wire & duct tape, but rest of me is all man. I call him “Little Sithy”

So, if they play the Imperial March when Bush & Cheney leave the White House, do I get royalties? I should get royalties.

I feel a tremor in the Force. No, actually it was just my special lunch burrito. My bad.

Note to self: If cronies aren’t sufficiently intimidated after barking out orders, check to make sure your voice box isn’t set on ‘mute’.

Was scheduled to destroy a small rebel enclave this morning but I overslept. Internal chronometer didn’t reset. R&D will pay dearly.

Legend. 17 Points!

Stu's take on…

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